Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Peepee Shy

Normally I don't do more than one post a day. But, today is an exception. After seeing the guy with the suspenders and belt, as described in the last post, I had another experience that I must share.

This is nothing to be ashamed about. All men have experienced it in some form at one time in their life or another. It is not anyone's fault. It just happens. Of course I am talking about peformance issues. Sometimes it is referred to as stage fright, but more commonly it is referred to as being PeePee shy. For you women out there, this is when a man is in a situation where he needs to pee, but because of his surroundings he is unable to pee.

Well, I had a peepee shy experience today. I went to pickup my sons from their piano lessons. I was a little early and needed to use the restroom. I have about an hour drive home and sometimes by the time I get home I am in dire need. So, politely I asked if it was ok and quietly excused myself to the other room. I got into position and looked up above the toilet. Below is what I saw.

I couldn't go. How could I? There was this sweet, but very sad, little girl looking right at me. She even seemed to have a look of disappointment. So, I immediately lifted the toilet seat in hopes that she wouldn't judge me anymore. It didn't help. She kept staring at me with those sad puppy dog eyes.

I tried for another minute. I even closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place to relax. No good. Her piercing eyes found me, even there. So, I gave up. Luckily, their lesson ended soon and we were on our way home.

At home I quickly ran into the bathroom. I looked around and found myself alone and quickly found relief.

Belt or Suspenders

I hate to have this discussion, but I can keep quiet no longer. Before I get started, I need to explain that I am no fashionista. Sometimes my socks don’t match my pants. I have even been known to put on a pair of shorts after church and leave on my dark socks. Most importantly, I am a believer in comfort before fashion. However, there are a few fashion rules that cannot be broken.

Don’t wear a belt and suspenders. See belts were created to keep our pants up. They can be found in many forms today. They range from the beautifully designed belts to the favorite of my extended family, the rope. No matter what the belt looks like, it serves the purpose of keeping your britches up without having to hold them up with your hands.

Suspenders were designed for the same purpose. They keep your pants up. Many people prefer suspenders over belts. Larry King and Mork from Mork and Mindy are probably the two most notable figures that are proponents of the suspenders. However, you will never see them wearing both a belt and suspenders.

Wearing suspenders and a belt is just doubling up when there is no need. I understand that belts don’t work for everyone. Nor do suspenders. However, there is never a need for both. If neither works alone, then together they still won’t work and it just looks funny.

You would never see someone wearing two pairs of glasses and I have never seen someone going around wearing two hats. We use only what we need to do the job. This is true for all clothing and apparel. I was so proud as a father when my young son explained to me once, “ I don’t need underwear, I am wearing pants”. So true. But, he did need a rope to keep them up.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hall Etiquette

I am starting to think that I work with a bunch of people that were raised by wolves. I expect to see Mogly from the Jungle Book walking down the hall any day. We already discussed bathroom etiquette and now I feel the need to discuss hallway etiquette. Today I was trying to quickly walk to the cafeteria to grab a quick lunch. I was going to get it and eat at my desk while I continued to work. I was walking fast because I needed to be quick and get back to fixing a problem. However, the pace cars were out. The hall is very wide. I think that 5 people can probably walk side by side through the hall. However, it is normally two people wide going each way. Not today. These two ladies were walking, at a leisurely pace, spread out as far as they could. The distance between them and between one of them and a wall was not enough to comfortably pass them. It made me think of how this happens on the freeways and the reputation that Utah drivers have. I walked behind them for awhile. I even coughed to let them know that I was there. No luck. These two were deep in discussion. I think one of their daughters is dating a loser and he is not treating her very good, at least that is what I overheard. Soon, someone started coming from the other direction. I thought this was my chance. However, they didn’t move over. The poor guy had to turn sideways to not bump into them. I wish I had a horn. After he passed I said enough and went past them on one side. I even bumped into one of them a little. I am sure they started talking about how rude my generation is. Anyway, I got my lunch and left the cafeteria. I turned the corner back into this same hall and there they were again. I think they may have done it on purpose because I passed them earlier. Well, this time no coughing and no waiting. I immediately passed them. I may have gotten some of my salad dressing on one of them. It was a total accident, sort of. Anyway, I decided that I must publish my rules of the hallway.

1. Don’t make eye contact until you are 3 paces or less away from the person coming the opposite direction. This helps to avoid any long uncomfortable stares.

2. Respond in kind. If you get a hello, respond with a hello. If you get a wave then return a wave. However, a head bob does not match a spoken word. Head bobs are only acceptable if you get a head bob.

3. Don’t block the hallway! The rules of the highway apply to the hallway. Maybe we should have a hallway patrol to write out tickets for hallway blocking and accidents.

4. The hallway is not an appropriate place to have a private/personal conversation. This includes face to face conversations and cell phone conversations. I am sorry that this lady’s daughter is dating a loser, but man I have enough of my own worries. I don’t need to add yours to my plate.

5. Always carry something (The George Constanza Rule). That way no one knows if you are working or slacking. Personally, I carry a lot of crap out to my car everynight. I leave it in my car overnight and bring it back in first thing the next morning. People think I am a totally dedicated employee.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Christmas Memory

I am feeling very festive now as we are entering the Christmas season. As I was pondering upon past holidays I remembered one memorable experience I had as a young child.

On this one Christmas we were visting my grandparents in Arkansas. I remember laying by the tree with my Grandpa. We were talking about Christmas, why we give gifts, and what the tree represents. Then I asked my Grandpa why there was an angel on top of the tree. So, he gathered my brother, my sister, and me around him on the floor and told us the following story of why there is an angel on the top of every Christmas tree.

"It was Christmas Eve and Santa was feeling the Pre-Christmas pressure. Half of his elves had become sick and the trainee elves had not produce toys as fast. Mrs. Claus had just told Santa her Mother was coming for a long visit, which stressed Santa even more.
Santa went to barn to harness the reindeer and found three of them were about to give birth. The others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
He began to load the sleigh and one of the floorboards broke. His toy bag fell to the ground where all the toys scattered on the ice.
Frustrated, Santa went back to the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' Santa quickly not only told him where to stick it, but Santa himself stuck it where the sun don't shine.

And so began the tradition of a little angel stuck on the top of the Christmas tree."

Don't you just love all those wonderful Christmas memories?

Monday, December 8, 2008

It's Ladies/Guys Night

My wife and her friends recently had a white elephant Christmas party. They all got together at one of their houses for the party. Everyone brought a dessert or a side dish to share. They talked and had giggly fun time over dinner. Then they exchanged their white elephant gifts. Some examples of the gifts was a fly swatter, a calendar about how crappy life is, and a couple of very nice stockings. After the exchange they had some more giggly discussions. Then the party got really started. They all took a personality test, in an effort to understand their selves and each other better. All during the test they were giggling, laughing, and probably crying as they shared their experiences. My wife didn’t get home from this party until nearly 3am. I have to admit I was a little jealous hearing all the fun she had. However, I know that there is no way in hell that me and my friends would enjoy anything even close to this type of party.

So, I started thinking about what us men would do for our version of a white elephant Christmas party. Here is what I came up with.

The party would be held at no one’s house. It would have to be hosted in a restaurant/sports bar. None of us would be required to bring any food, just money to pay. It would all be on separate tickets and there would be no sharing of appetizers. “You get what you pay for and pay for what you get”, as my Grandpa used to always say.

There would have to be some game on the TV that we could all be watching. There would be no giggling. If our team was winning then there would be a lot of high fiving. Otherwise we would all be yelling at the TV.

After the game we would do one of two things. Either we would go see a guy movie, something with guns and explosions and car chases, or we would go shooting ourselves. No gift exchange because we all know that none of us would take the time to pick out a gift. So, our wives would end up picking out the gift and then it would be all girly and totally embarrass us to exchange.

The night would end without any personality tests and definitely without any sharing of personal feelings. There might be some more high fives, chest bumps, or the manly one arm hug with a quick back pat but that would be it. And we absolutely would be home way before 3am because we don’t want to get in trouble with the wife.

Speaking of the wife, I love you Laura and you are the best!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bathroom Etiquette

So, I have a few bathroom practices that might seem silly to some, but what I saw this week in the bathroom made me want to never go to the bathroom again, in public. There I was minding my own business, while doing my business in the bathroom stall. When I was finished I flushed and walked out of the stall to wash my hands of course. Not washing your hands is just gross. Anyway, as I was walking out of the stall I passed another fellow that was going into the stall next to me. Following my standard bathroom etiquette, I kept my eyes to floor and being the friendly person that I am, I said hello. He mumbled something up at me. So, I had to look up. That was when I noticed that he couldn't talk because he had a toothbrush in his mouth. He was brushing his teeth and going into the stall to do his business.

I wanted to scream, but then I remembered that screaming in the bathroom is against my rules. See, I have a firm set of rules for when one is in the bathroom.

The first rule is that you don't make eye contact. As a matter of fact you keep your eyes to the floor while you are in the bathroom.

The next rule requires you to keep your feet as close together as possible while in the stall doing your business. I call this rule the "Larry Craig" rule. You don't want anyone getting the wrong idea with the placement of your feet. So, keep them as close together as possible. If one of the stalls next to you is empty then angle your body so your feet will point that way. This will help to avoid any uncomfortable advances.

The third rule is the wiping rule. You don't wipe with anyone in the stall next to you. You patiently wait until there is no one next to you, then you can wipe. I don't want to hear the wiping and no one wants to hear me either.

The fourth rule is the quite rule. Even though you are in a restroom, you don't need to sound like a wild animal. No grunting or moaning. Most important, wait until the bathroom is clear before making any other body noises.

After my tooth brushing incident this week, I added the don't mix business with pleasure rule of not brushing your teeth and pooing at the same time. See brushing your teeth is all business and the other is all pleasure.

The fifth rule is the most important. Always wash your hands. However, this rule does not apply if one of the follow situations occur:

a. You are at a football game
b. You are at a professional wrestling match
c. Or, nobody is watching

Friday, November 21, 2008

If your going to DC don't forget your crack pipe!

I am so sick right now. I honestly believe that everyone in Washington is smoking crack!

First off, our government has already provided $300 billion dollars to “bail out” companies. Since then our government has also approved an additional $700 billion dollars to bailout other sectors of our economy. Some also believe that this number is a minimum and will go up.

Accepting this, I decided to see how much this would cost each tax payer. Below is my findings. Basically, it says that the average per taxpayer will be $439 per year for the next 30 years. They base their numbers on a few acceptable assumptions. I quote,
".. if the money is borrowed by the US using 30-year Treasury bonds, and if the interest rate is the 4.13% rate for 30-yr bonds todayand if taxpayers are burdened to the same degree that they currently pay taxes...The annual cost per average taxpayer is $439"

I can probably live with $850 in additional taxes per year, if it saves the economy, my job, and everyone’s jobs.

The entire basis behind bailing out wall street and the banks was that it will save jobs and eventually trickle down to us little people. I remember learning about the trickle down effect and I am sure it works. However, I couldn’t help but think about the last rebate checks all taxpayers got from Uncle George. It was based on a trickle up effect. Every taxpayer got $600 plus a little more for children. This was done to prevent a recession. I am guessing it didn’t work since we are here today. But, I needed to check.

In 2008 we all got those awesome checks. Here is what one source said was the effects.

“The economic stimulus is about 1% of GDP, which advocates say is large enough to impact the $13 trillion economy. Most economists agree that tax rebates will immediately lift consumer spending, especially if aimed at low-income families who are more likely to spend it than save it. For example, the 2001 rebate checks increased total consumption by 0.8% in the quarter that the checks were received and 0.6% in the subsequent quarter…
According to estimates by Economy.com, each rebate dollar spent will generate $1.19 in additional GDP, while reductions in tax rates produced only 59 cents additional GDP per dollar spent. (Source: IHT, Bush calls for $145 billion stimulus package for economy, January 18, 2008)”

So, it sounds like the trickle up worked, even if it was just a little. About two weeks ago I was watching the news, CNN Headline news to be exact. I heard something that really shocked me. Below is a transcript.
“KAYE: But we did! The Federal Reserve says the average family in the U.S. is nearly $80,000 in debt, including mortgages. That's about $2 trillion nationwide. And consumers are saving less than ever. In the last four years, you've saved less than one percent of your income!”
What really jumped out at me was the $2 trillion dollars in total debt and an average of $80,000 in debt per family, including mortgages. If my math is correct, then $1 trillion is half of our national personal debt or about $40,000 per family. Can you see where I am going here?

I probably should have stated this earlier, but I am a gun loving religion clinging republican. I believe that our country and government were created by honorable me that received Divine Inspiration. I honestly believe that they are all rolling over in their graves at where our country is today. Finally, I don’t believe that the government should be bailing out anyone, unless they are physically or mentally unable to support themselves.

However, if we are going to spend $1 trillion dollars on a bailout, why not give that money to the people? That would wipe out half of the national average family debt. Not bad for the people and using the numbers from useconomy.about.com, that would result in about $1.19 trillion dollars in additional GDP, based on the results of the last round of rebate checks. Sounds pretty good too.

$40,000 per family would probably prevent a number of families from facing foreclosures and losing their homes. That is a good thing, right? Also, those families would be paying their mortgages on time, and that would be a good thing for the banks who are in trouble. Many families with high risk loans would be able to refinance to loans that are actually within their means, using the $40,000 to pay down their existing mortgages. That way we won’t have this problem again in a few years.

I also have to believe that a number of people would go out and purchase new cars. That would be good because we are already hearing rumors of having to bail out the auto industry.

In conclusion, I know that many people say the existing bail out package may not cost us anything and possible the taxpayers/government may make money on this deal. If you believe that I have some beautiful ocean front property you should see in Arizona.

I believe that we really need to start asking some questions of our elected officials. Namely, if the last rounds of rebates worked so well, why don’t we do it again this time?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Winter has arrived

So, winter has come. At least as far as I am concerned. It is now dark when I get to work and dark by the time I get home from work. I guess my seasonal depression has come because lately I haven’t felt like my joking self. I am not really depressed, I think I am just feeling more reflective. Just the other night as I was tucking in my oldest son to bed, he asked me to tell him a story about myself when I am child. Generally, I try to tell stories that make him laugh or teach a moral that I learned the hard way. On that night I told him the story of my first dog, Bo. When I was about six or seven my family lived in Conway, Arkansas. We lived in a very old house in the middle of nowhere. The street out front was a highway and on the other side was a milk farm. For Christmas that year my parents got us a little toy poodle puppy that we named Bo. He was so small and sweet. He was the runt of the litter and the only one that survived. Our entire family just fell in love with this little dog. It was about a year later, as I remember, that we were celebrating Bo’s birthday. My Dad, a Marine, was inside the house making a cake for Bo’s birthday and my brother and sister where inside also. I was outside playing with Bo. He loved to bark at the cows and that day was no exception. However, on this day he decided to go into the middle of the highway and bark at them. As soon as he ran onto the road I started yelling at him to come back because I saw a big jacked up red neck truck coming. I screamed and yelled, but Bo was too busy barking at the cows. The truck came flying down and ran over Bo. I am sure that he did not feel a thing. I was crushed. I ran inside and grabbed my Dad. He ran out and picked up Bo. We took him to the backyard and buried him. Everyone was crushed in the family. Even my father was crying. My mom came home from work and I remember that we gathered on our knees to pray for Bo and for ourselves. We all tried to pull it together but as soon as we all got quiet, we heard a little more whimpering from behind the couch. My younger brother had climbed behind the couch because he couldn’t stop crying. We all lost it again.

I wondered why this story kept coming to my mind on that day. There have been no deaths recently and I have another dog today that I love very much. After a while I realized what it was. In the past year my brother and I have become estranged. I think that is the right word. My brother has left his family and is going down a path that I know will only bring him sorrow. I have only spoken with him twice in the last year and neither time ended well. I know that I said things that did not come across how I wanted. I was just trying to help. That image of him behind the couch crying left a mark on me that I have never forgot. I remember that I tried my entire life to protect him so that would never happen again. Just a couple of years later he mouthed off to a kid that was 4 or 5 years older than us. The kid came after him. I could have let him take his lumps, but instead I jumped in with a big stick and took that big kid on. Later, I remember him struggling with asthma. We went on our first extreme boy scout camp out. I was so worried that before we went on the big hike, I took all of the heavy equipment out of his pack and put it in mine. He never knew. I have always tried to protect him and help him. I never wanted to see him crying behind the couch again.

Now I see him going in a direction that I know will lead to sorrow and tears, and there is nothing I can do. I can no longer take things out of his pack or take on the big kid for him. It makes me sad.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The View

This posting is just for men. So, if you are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, please read no further.

Guys, I have discovered the way to get out of having to watch The View, Oprah, or any other girly talk show. I stumbled across this accidently the other day. All it takes is for you to talk during the show. Before you start thinking no way, I promise this is fool proof. See, our wives are always saying that we need to talk more. How many times have you heard, “You don’t ever share your feelings”, or “Don’t go hide in your man cave, come out and talk”. So, I say when the tv comes on and your wife turns on a womanly show it is time to start talking.

I discovered this last week when my wife was watching The View. They were talking about the election and Proposition 8 in California. They were spewing so much misinformation that I couldn’t contain myself. I started yelling at the tv. I started debating with the women and responding to all of their points. It got so bad that my wife paused the tv until I finished. I didn’t stop. I started explaining it all to my wife. I went off for probably 10 minutes. She then started the show back up and after just a couple of minutes I started talking to the tv again. Almost immediately she paused the show again. This time I was more restrained and probably only went off for 4 or 5 minutes. She then started the show again. Again, it only took a minute before I started going off again. She paused it again. But, this time while I was expounding about how uniformed these women were, she changed the channel. She turned it to a gender neutral show.

I couldn’t believe it. We only watched about 5 minutes total of The View. It took me a few minutes before I realized what had happened. I had literally killed two birds with one stone. I had watched The View without complaining and I had shared my feelings for almost 20 minutes. I was the man and I still kept my man card because I didn’t have to watch the entire show.

So, men when your wife turns on a touchy feely womaly talk show, you start talking. However, it has to be about the show. Make sure that every once in awhile you say something like “I am sorry, but I just can’t contain my feelings” or “I can’t help myself, this show just brings up such strong feelings in me”. That way your wife can’t tell you to sit down and be quiet because you are sharing your feelings. And, yes you need to stand up and walk around in front of the tv. This really shows that you are “feeling” strongly and also blocks her view of the tv.

One last note on this. Please don’t reveal this to any females. Also, use this with restraint. Only use it for the worst of shows. Don’t waste it on the Today show or Rachel Ray. This should only be used on Tyra, Oprah, or the The View. For the other shows you will just need to suck it up and suffer through.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Political Musings

Since the political season is finally over, I wanted to write a few words about some of my favorite characters. I hope you don't mind.

Hillary Billary dock
Hillary Billary dock,
The Hillary lost to Barack.
The girl was done,
She wasn’t the one!
Hillary Billary dock.

Hillary Billary dock,
The Hillary lost to Barack.
Her Bill was never true,
The dress made us all go ewe!
Hillary Billary dock.

Little John McCain
Oh my little John
Oh what did you do
We all voted
But not all for you

Oh my little John
Oh what did you do
We wanted to root for the war hero
But Barack was better looking than you

Oh my little John
Oh what did you do
We liked some of your policies
But Oprah supported him, not you

Oh my little John
Oh what did you do
We will miss you and Sarah Palin
But mostly her totally awesome hairdo

The Barack Obama Club
Sung to the mickey mouse club theme music
Who’s the leader of the world
The new pres of the USA?

Hey, you! Hi, you! Yo, there!
Here everyone’s got a say!

Barack Obama! John McCain!
Barack Obama! John McCain!

Forever let us hold our leader high!
High! High! High! High!

Come along and join the throng
The world gets better every day

Monday, November 3, 2008

Merry Early Christmas

I love Christmas. I have since I was a little child. Now that I have children of my own, I am even more excited. I can honestly say that I would rather get nothing for myself and just get gifts for my wife and kids. I love the looks on their faces when they open a gift. So, as soon as silly Halloween was over, I decided that it was time to put up the tree. I know it is early and we haven’t even gotten to Thanksgiving, but I have decided that with the way I eat, everyday is Thanksgiving. I give thanks for every super sized Big Mac meal. I stop and think about the fact that without the support of the Native Americans, I would not be enjoying my two all beef patties, lettuce, pickle, and special sauce all on a sesame seed bun. So, it is time for Christmas. A radio station has started playing Christmas music and we have started putting up our decorations.

Well, I had to edit this post. I may have lost a little of my Christmas spirit. I forgot how dang long it takes to put up our Christmas tree. I nearly burned out my drill again this year. However, I don’t know if it is all that Mountain Dew leaking out of my eyes, but I got a little misty eyed when I saw the tree all lit up again this year. Merry Early Christmas Y’all.

Happy Birthday Maddie!

So, my little girl is turning three this week. She is number four of five and the other four are all boys. Big boys, as you could tell from my previous football postings. I love all my children very much. However, it is very different with my daughter. See, I believe that families are forever. When two people, specifically a man and a woman ( I hate having to be so specific, but I don’t want any confusion on my beliefs), get married by someone with the proper authority they become an eternal family. The wife being “sealed” to the husband. The wife now becomes a member of her husbands family and continues down the family chain. Being a man this sounds great. My first three children were all boys. Each time we found out we were having a boy I felt my family tree growing wider and I liked it. Then came Maddie. She is the sweetest, most beautiful, most mothering, and smartest little girl in the world. Don’t believe me? Check out Wikipedia.org.

Anyway, even before she was born I realized that one day she would get married and would technically be a part of someone else’s family. This did and still does not sit well with me. Whenever I think about her getting married I get sad. When I think of my boys getting married, I think oh yeah, way to go. I know that my boys will be fine. They will find a wonderful young lady, get married and live happily ever after. However, I have fear for my Maddie. What if she marries some jerk? See, it has been my experience that all of my friends found nice young ladies and got married. None of their wives changed and turned out to be total freaks. Some are freaks, but they were freaks before and we all warned our friend before the marriage. Apparently, some people like freaks, including my wife. However, I have a few coworkers and extended family members, that are female, that married a nice young man that turned out to be a freak. He wasn’t a freak before, but he sure is now. I feel bad for these ladies. They were tricked. Some are divorcing and others are trying to live with it. However, I don’t think I can handle that if it happens to my daughter.

So, I have implemented strict dating rules for my daughter. On the first date the young man must come to my house at least twenty minutes early to meet me and my sons. Here is how it will play out. I will be sitting on the couch and my oldest son will answer the door. He will instruct the young man to sit down next to me on the couch. Then he will sit on the couch on the other side of this boy. I will then introduce myself and all four of my sons from oldest to youngest. The other three boys will be sitting on the loveseat and other chairs in the same room. I almost forgot, we will all be cleaning guns at this time. Before you laugh, I am not joking. I will then inform him that my father was a Marine and that I would have been a Marine as well, except they rejected me for my “anger issues”. Also, every time I address him I will start the sentence with “Boy”. If he doesn’t answer me with “Sir” every time then I will explain to him that we show respect in this house and that he better start referring to me as “Sir”. I will then ask him about his self, including religion, car, grades, political preferences, and how many other girls he has dated prior. After this Maddie can come down. But, prior to their leaving I will lean in close to him and whisper in his ear, “You better not even think about touching my daughter because I have no problem with going back to prison”. Remember all this is on the first date. At first I started wondering what I would do on the second date. Then I realized that if I do it right on the first date, I won’t need to worry about a second date.

Anyway, happy birthday Maddie!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

See ya suckers!!!!!!!

I am sorry to say that this will be my last blog posting. In the future all postings will be done by a professional writer that I will be hiring to record the marvelous events of my wonderful life.

See my boat has come in! I have struck it rich! At some point in my life I met a gentleman by the name of Engr. Jürge Krügger. Being my normal outgoing self I really made an impression on him. See the email below that I just received today.

Address: 33 Bedford Row
London WC1R 4JH,

Phone: +44 704 572 2161
Fax: +44 709 286 8479
Partner Attorney at Law
Allen & Overy LLP, UK

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Jürge
Krügger. I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned
undelivered.. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Jürge Krügger made you a
beneficiary to his WILL.

He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars
(USD$30,100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last testament to his WILL.
This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being
a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or
simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who
wished you good. Engr. Jürge Krügger until his death was a member of the
Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers.
According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to
help the poor and the needy in our society.

Please if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as
possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no distant
time. I await your prompt response.

Yours in Service,
Barr Dempsey Robert William.
Secetary Allen & Overy LLP, UK
Phone: +44 704 572 2161

So, the next time you see or hear from me will be on the next episode of MTV Cribs. Laura and I will be showing off or new house, on the east side of course because we finally got a piece of the pie. However, you may not recognize me on TV. I plan on having a number of surgeries to enhance myself. Nothing major of course, but I will be looking something like this.

I have just one request before I leave you all...don't be jealous, please.

Now, I have to reply to this e-mail sent to me by Robert Dempsey. I wonder why his email address is boosbrit@msu.edu? I would have thought it would have been more like his company name. Anyway, I am off to start my new life as a 30 millionaire!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Football is the Devil

Am I a bad parent? Of course from my previous postings on the wonders of Mac and Cheese, you know I am not. But, just in the past couple of days I have decided that this Saturday at my son’s football game I will be cheering for the other team.

Before you start giving me a glare let me explain. At first I was so excited that my oldest was playing tackle football. See, I was always a skinny little boy. I “played” football one year as a child and my greatest achievement was getting a penalty called against the other team when one of their players hit me in the back and knocked the wind out of me. So, when my 90 lbs eight year old wanted to play I started seeing visions of his greatness. I could see him scoring all of the touchdowns, sacking the quarter back (this is a good thing for anyone that doesn’t follow football), and catching every winning pass at every game. Finally, my dreams of football stardom would be fulfilled. I was totally living through my son. Again, before you start glaring at me all you moms need to look at your daughters dressed in their tutus going to ballet practice and tell me that you aren’t living through them too.

So, we went to the football supply shed and sporting good store and got him all his gear. Everyone was saying how impressed they were at how big he was at only eight years old. I tried to be humble and say things like, “Yes he is big for his age”. What I wanted to say was, “Darn right this boy is huge and I sure hope he doesn’t crush your puny little child.”

Next, practices started. Quickly my dream started fading. Not because of my son’s performance, for his age I am very proud of his football skills. My dreams faded because it took so much stupid time. His practices were 5 days a week for two to two and a half hours. Then games started. We cut down to practice three times a week, but then we spent four hours every Saturday trying to watch him play while trying to keep the rest of the clan from running on the field and stealing the ball. Which any of them could do easily because they all have awesome football skills, even my 2 yr old daughter can kick some butt in football.

Anyway, between three practices a week a one game a week I am getting a little burned out on football. If my sons team wins this Saturday then they get to go the playoffs. My son was so excited. He told me, "if we win then we get to go to the playoffs and practice under the lights". What? Lights? So, instead of practice having to end when it gets dark they can practice until midnight if the coach wants. I don't think so.

So, this Saturday I will be cheering for the other team, quietly.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Me for President

Oh my heck! I was so tired of this Presidential election stuff. I felt like I was a fairly intelligent person. I graduated from High School and I am pretty good at Sudoku, but just the easy ones. However, I couldn’t keep up with all this fancy Harvard type math. For example…

“In a CNN poll of polls released Wednesday evening, Obama is favored to win by 50 percent; McCain by 43 percent and 8 percent of voters are undecided.” CNN.com

At first glance I thought wow Obama has got this all locked up. But, then I read that Joe Lieberman is now saying that McCain is going to win, after he saw this poll. I scratched my head for awhile and realized that I needed to pee. So, I went to the bathroom. As I was walking into the bathroom someone was coming out and I got wacked in the head by the door. Suddenly, like the dews from heaven it all made sense. I was looking at it all wrong. See, I thought that 50 + 43 + 8 = 101. Of course, it is impossible to have a survey with three unique answers equals more than 100%. I felt so stupid. Since, 50% + 43% + 8% equals 100% not 101% then sure McCain is winning. Our political leaders and media are so smart.

After this incident, I decided that I needed to do more research, because it all added up now. I found the following…

“Obama’s daily spending on campaign ads is four times more than McCain’s – $4.5 million to $1.5 million – according to an analysis by TNSMI-Campaign Media Analysis Group, CNN’s consultant on political advertising.” CNN.com

I can only hope that my children are learning the correct math, which I did not learn as a child. See, I thought that $1.5 x 3 was $4.5. But, clearly it is not. $1.5 x 4 = $4.5. Wow, I was so stupid.

Now that I have been enlightened to the real math and how the world really works, I have decided that it is my civic duty to run for political office. So, with great pride and humility (yes you can have pride and humility at the same time, it is a new math thing too), I take this time to announce that I will be running for President of the United States. I know that it is late in the political season, but I firmly believe that if I can help everyone understand the new math that we will all be free and our country will be a better place.

To achieve this I will not be holding rallies or doing silly commercials, those are such rookie things to do. Rather, I will be holding an open house at my home. Come on over and I promise that I personally will wack each and everyone of my constituents with my bathroom door. Then we can sit down and discuss things like how I promise to spend more money and cut taxes at the same time, and it will make perfect sense.

Paid For by the Elect Brandon to the President Fund

“I am Brandon and I approve this message”

Click on the link below for my first campaign ad...

Brandon for President

Friday, October 10, 2008

Nectar of the gods (or an ode to Mac and Cheese)

Confession time. I love Mac and cheese.

I have my entire life. As a teenager, I would come home from school and make myself a batch. Then I would go up to my room and eat it while I watched Looney Toons. Yes, that is another confession; I love to watch cartoons. Anyway, since I was a teenager I often left the dirty bowl in my room until my Mom would smell it and come get it. I would then get a lecture and promise never to do it again. This became such a ritual that a couple of days before I left on my mission, I purposely left a bowl in my closet with a note to my Mom telling her how much I loved and appreciated her.

Well, now I am a lot older and a little more mature. So, today as I was eating hotdogs and Mac and cheese with my children while watching Dragon tales I started wondering if I was killing myself with this food. So, I did a little research and found out that I was wrong. This food is good for you.

Did you know that a single serving of Mac and Cheese has 15% of your daily requirement of Vitamin A? I usually eat a box myself, which is 3 servings. So, I am getting 45% of my daily requirement of Vitamin A. That rocks!

As I continued to read the Nutrition facts on the box I continued to realize why my body craves this food. A single serving contains 15% of your daily calcium requirement and 10% of your iron requirement. I am getting 45% of my calcium and 30% of my iron requirement. Anyone that knows me will immediately understand why I am so muscular. It is all that Iron!

At this point of reading the side of the box, I was feeling like a really good dad providing all my children with these vitamins. Then I started reading the ingredients. I couldn't contain my excitement. It contains wheat flour. That has to be good for your body. It also contains vitamins B2, B1, and sodium triplyphosphate.

Next, I moved my research to the Internet. Because, it contains all truth. I found some interesting things. Did you know that many scholars actually believe that the tree that Adam and Eve weren't supposed to eat from was a Mac & Cheese tree? It makes sense. They couldn't resist.

I also found that 85% of inmates on death row choose Mac & Cheese as part of their last meal. It would be my choice too. I would probably want the expensive Velveeta kind since for such a special occasion.

According to About.com, Mac & Cheese was invented by Thomas Jefferson. So, not only is it healthy and tasty, it is downright patriotic to eat it. I think we will start saying the pledge of allegiance each time we eat it.

One last note about Mac & Cheese. While Martha Stewart was writing her Original Cookbook she struggled with putting only the most important and best recipes in the book. Guess what? She included a recipe for Mac & Cheese. See the link below.


For that alone, I believe that Pres Bush should pardon her and let the poor convicted felon vote again. God Bless You Martha.

In conclusion, I will end my musings with a simple Shakespearean sonnet.

I love my mac and cheese
I so want to kiss the box
It makes me say please
I would eat it in dirty socks

I love the cheese in the bowl
I would eat it every day
It is a food that fills my soul
Mac and cheese what more can I say

I will eat it all my life
Mac and cheese is so much fun
I love it like my wife
It is even better then a honey bun

Mac and cheese it is so true
I will forever love you

Friday, October 3, 2008

Open Letter to Nick Jr.

Dear Sir or Madam

I have pondered long and hard about writing this letter, but after today I decided that I had to write. My children and I enjoy much of your programming. One favorite is your show Max and Ruby.

We always enjoy Max's silly behavior and how in the end his actions prove to be helpful and funny. And what can I say about Ruby. What a well behaved young one. She is always so polite and patient with Max. In one of today's episodes we enjoyed watching her earn her bunny hospitality badge. It was well deserved because she is a great host.

We also enjoy the beautiful way their home is decorated. We have even used the same sombrero wallpaper in our kitchen, because we saw it on Max and Ruby and immediately fell in love.

However, I can't help but notice that Max and Ruby's parents are much lacking in parenting skills. As a matter of fact, I would say that because of their many long absences they have neglected their children. In my mind Max and Ruby now epitomize the latchkey children of my youth. I have only seen their parents on one episode; and I am, or was, a faithful watcher. I have noticed that their grandma does jump in and watch them when she can. However, because of her age she is not able to keep up with them. Even today Max and Ruby were playing in the attic of her house while she was downstairs doing who knows what. So unsafe!

So, it is with a sad heart that I must tell you that I am compelled to report their parents,and you for your blatant exploitation of these poor neglected children, to the department of child and family social services.

And don't even try to respond with "but they are just bunnies". According to the PETA website, "Bunnies have feelings and needs just like people".


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Bail out smail out

I don’t understand the bail out. I got the following from cnn.com

Question: Viewer from North Carolina: If the mortgage company that holds my mortgage goes out of business, what happens to my home?

Velshi: If your mortgage company goes out of business, your mortgage is still safe. ... The mortgage part of that business, the good mortgages get bought by another bank. So nothing will happen to you or your home at the moment.

OK. So here is my question. My bank can still sell my mortgage to another back, even if they are going out of business. I understand that a bad mortgage, one in default or bankruptcy, may not be sellable. Why would anyone want to buy a bad mortgage. Banks today are closing their doors because they have no more money to lend. The government is going to come in and buy many of the bad mortgages so the banks have more money to lend and don’t go out of business. My question, why don’t the banks sell the good mortgages, like Mr. Velshi said they will do anyway if the go out of business? Then they would have more money to lend and wouldn’t go out of business. They still have the bad mortgages and will probably lose money on them, if they sell today. Last night Pres. Bush said that if the government buys the bad mortgages, holds onto them, and then sells them when the values return, that the government will actually make money off this deal. Great, so I ask my question again. Why don’t the banks sell the good mortgages they have and then loan out that money to other people that will be able to repay the loans? All the while holding onto the bad properties until the values raise and then sell them at a profit.

It seems to me that our society of getting everything we want right now, no matter what the cost, has extended into our government. Sure the banks won’t have all that money now, but the market will return. It always has. It may be 2, 3, or 10 years. But, the market will return. Their stock will be down until then. No bonuses for the big guys. But, then there is no need for a $700 billion dollar loan from us citizens. I think having our housing market and the stock market down for while would be a good lesson for all of us. We need to be more fiscally smart with our money. That applies to my 8 year old son, the millionaire CEO, and everyone in government.

So, I say let us reap the rewards of our wrong choices for awhile. Things will get better and we will all remember our mistakes a lot longer, if we are required to feel the sting and not immediately bailed out.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Eat your veggies, It makes you smarter and other lies

When I was a child my parents lied to me. "Eat your veggies and you will grow up to be strong and smart". Well, not so. Just recently scientists in Melbourne discovered that "going veggie could be bad for your brain - with those on a meat-free diet six times more likely to suffer brain shrinkage".

What is going on? My whole world it turning upside down. Veggies can shrink your brain? Meat is good for you?

Another lie from my parents came from strawberries. I am ashamed to say, and still feel a little dirty about it, that I was in my thirties before my parents came clean about strawberries. When my siblings and I were younger we loved to eat strawberries. So did my parents. So, one day the decided that they would tell all of us that strawberries make you sleepy. I had learned in school that turkey can make you sleepy and my parents never lied. So, I believed it. I only ate strawberries sparingly as not to get to sleepy. Just a few years ago my whole family was together at my parents house and they had some strawberries. I proceeded to tell my wife not to eat to many because, "They make you sleepy". My parents laughed and laughed. Me and my siblings didn't.

So, I have decided that my kids can eat all the meat and strawberries they want. Unless, there is not enough for me. In that case, they will just need to eat more veggies to grow up big and strong and I will warn them about the sleepy side effect of strawberries. "If you want to stay up late to see Santa when he comes tonight you better eat all your veggies and skip those strawberries". Because one good lie deserves another.

When did football practice turn into the View?

A few days ago I was at my son's football practice. In the past there were other dads yelling "go get him" or "hit him hard". You know the very manly type stuff. We discussed monster trucks and man stuff like killing small animals. Right or wrong I enjoyed watching the practice and participating in the man talk. However, at this particular practice there were no dads, except me. All the moms had come and what a difference it made.

Not that I was trying to listen in, but I couldn't help it. It was just like on the View. All these moms were trying to out do the others and it got so bad that they were all trying to talk above the others. A few interesting subjects came up and suprisingly I learned a few things.

First, just as parents are told to "pick their battles" with their children. One of these women had decided that this was also true with her husband. You could see the light bulbs coming on in all their heads. They all got so excited. "Oh, you are so right", "Wow, I had never thought of that", "Yes men are such idiots". I made that last one up, but I know that they were thinking it.

Then they tried to out do each other in the "my husband is the worst". I started hearing things like, "my husband...", "well let me give you a scenario". It even extended to their poor mothers. "Oh that's nothing, my mom..." I just wanted to stand up and be the local Dr. Phil, "I want you to get excited about your lives."

Then they had to all start discussing their diagnosis. I have to say that I turned my head at this point to listen a little better. I quitly declared one mom the winner when she said, "Well I was diagnosed with youth parental defiance. However, as an adult it turned out that I am just Bipolar". Wow, what a relief.

The best thing I learned from listening in on the "Football View" came from this mom that was totally over dressed for a football practice. Her young son's shoes cost more than my entire outfit. And you could just tell that she had some enhancements done, not that I was looking, but they kind of stood out. Anyway, she said, and I quote,"Life got better when I stopped worrying about what other people think". Truer words had never been spoken. I am sure that she only wore the high heels to a football practice because they are comfortable, not to look good. She drove the beautiful new Escalade only because it gets great gas mileage. Again, I felt like i was channeling Dr. Phil. I wanted to say, "You're only lonely if you're not there for you." Then we could have all hugged and been part of the great sister hood of football moms, and one dad.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Nothing Better than Coco on a Sunday Night

So, it is Sunday night. The kids are in bed and Laura and I decide to relax and watch some good TV. We were in luck a Lifetime Red Carpet Movie event was just starting. The movie was about the life of Coco Chanel and the New York Post reviewed the movie saying it was “A delight to watch.” How could we not watch the movie. A red carpet even that was a delight and even better it was on Lifetime, my second favorite channel after Oxygen. I must say that I did learn a few things. Who knew that Chanel was actually someone’s name. Also, who knew that Chanel made more than perfume. I was shocked, then bored. But I need to include some highlights.

Coco falls in love with some guy. He is rich and she is not. He helps her open a store by putting up all the money. Hint to all you women, if a guy is willing to put up a lot of money he likes you more than just a friend. Anyway, she rejects his advances “We shouldn’t mix business with pleasure”. She says in a French accent. Finally, they can no longer resist the love between them and they succumb to their passions. Then the very next day she tells him, in a French accent again, “I cannot be with you until I don’t need your support”. What a tease. This was when I really started tuning out. But then it got better when Shirley Maclain was introduced as the older Coco.

Young Coco

Old Coco

Notice the resemblance? Me neither. Not only do they not look alike, the old Coco traded in her French accent for a New Jersey accent. I still can’t believe that we watched the whole movie and Tivoed it for future watching. I am definitely due a good war movie.

Friday, September 12, 2008

What happened on September 13th?

Tomorrow, Sept 13, is Laura’s 36th Birthday. So, I thought I would do a little research on things that come in packs of 36 or in a size 36 or in 36 oz. I quickly realized that since the Big Gulp actually came in 32oz and not 36oz that I should go a different route. So, I decided that it would work better to go with things that happened on September 13th.
First, let’s cover people who were also born on September 13th.
1980 Ben Savage – I never really liked his show, but they did play some great music in the background.1977 Fiona Apple – Laura can relate some with Fiona because sometimes she too has…“been a bad, bad girl - I've been careless with a delicate man - And it's a sad, sad world - When a girl will break a boy just because she can”. (Criminal Lyrics by Fiona Apple) Not to me, but you may hear differently from one or two of her ex-boyfriends.1948 Nell Carter – Dear blessed Nell Carter was the caretaker to my first true love, Katie Kanisky on Gimme a Break! I quickly realized that it would not work out as a young man and was grateful that I found Laura my real first true love. The resemblance is a little scary.

This is Katie
1938 Judith Martin (authority on etiquette) – We all know how important etiquette is to Laura.1925 Mel Torme – Mr. Torme was nicknamed the “velvet fog” because of his unique voice. Funny that Laura calls me the velvet fog too. You will have to ask her why.
Now some other holidays, besides Laura’s Birthday, that occur on September 13th.
Pennsylvania John Barry Day“Now, Therefore, I, William J. Clinton, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim September 13, 1993, as Commodore John Barry Day. I invite all Americans to observe this day with appropriate ceremonies and activities in honor of those individuals, past and present, who have served in the United States Navy.” Every Sept 13 in our home we all put on our sailor outfits and sing and dance to the classic “In the Navy” by the Village People. After reading this we now have a reason; who knew.

Rhodesia Pioneer Day
I have no idea what this holiday is about but YEEHAW anyway.

World Dante Alighieri DayDante Alighieri is a famous poet. I don’t think I have every read any of his poems, but I did hear once that he was the first person to do the whole “Roses are Red; Violets are Blue” thing. I don’t know if it is true, but if it is God Bless Him! Now in rememberance of World Dante Alighieri Day here is my attempt…
Roses are RedViolets are BlueI Love LauraAnd Hotdogs too!
Next I looked for some important historical events that occurred on Sept 13th. Wow, there were a lot. So, I am only including the really, really important ones.
· 1503 Michelangelo begins work on his David – And women’s expectations of their husbands have never been the same. Thanks Mike!
· 1549 Pope Paul III signs Council of Bologna – This is where they first sang ”My bologna has a first name it’s O – S – C – A - R, my bologna has a last name it’s M – A – Y – E - R”.
· 1609 Henry Hudson reaches the river that will later be named after him - the Hudson River. – If only he could see it today, he would be so proud.
· 1788 NY City becomes capital of US – Glad we got this changed!
· 1789 1st loan to US Govt (from NYC banks) – Look where that got us today.
· 1814 Francis Scott Key writes The Star-Spangled Banner – This was really cool.
· 1849 1st US prize fight fatality (Tom McCoy) – Luckily prize fighting wasn’t stopped, go Rocky!
· 1898 20,000 Paris construction workers go on strike – I think they are still on strike today.
· 1927 NY Yankees, win AL pennant – Again, I included this purely for Laura.
· 1943 Chiang Kai-shek became president of China – He was the inventor of potstickers, I think.
· 1946 Boston Red Sox, win AL pennant – Poor Yankees.
· 1948 Margaret Chase Smith (R-Me) elected senator, 1st woman to serve in
both houses of Congress – Leading the way for Sarah Palin.
· 1952 Adolfo Ruiz Cortinez elect president of Mexico – He started the Taco Bell chain and Sainted
· 1961 "Car 54 Where are You?" premieres on TV – What more needs to be said?
· 1963 Barbra Striesand & Elliot Gould marry – And we all thought it would last, so sad.
· 1965 Beatles release "Yesterday"
· 1965 Beatles win 1st Grammy, for Best Group of 1964
· 1965 Willie Mays hits his 500th HR
· 1985 John Williams introduces new Today Show theme – We all know that Laura is an official member of the Today show family.
· 1990 Law and Order debuts on NBC-TV – Don’t you just love the Babbub sound on this show.

But the most important thing that happened on this day was in 1972 when my wonderful and beautiful wife was born.

Happy Birthday Laura! Don’t forget you have 36 spankings coming and “there not the ones you like”!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

What would Jesus do?

So, last night after I picked up Brandon from football he was very excited to tell me that he threw down 2 players. I have been trying to teach him that when he is on defense, he can throw down the offense player and then go after the player with the ball. So, he was very excited to tell me that he was doing it in practice. He also told me that he called the other players “pancake” after he threw them down. Last week he had gotten thrown down and called pancake. So, I told him that when he is playing and throws down a player he can call them pancake, which he did. However, he told me that he did not feel good about this. He said that he thought Jesus would not want us to call other people names even in football. I agreed and together we decided that he shouldn’t do that anymore. Then he started thinking that maybe he shouldn’t throw people down or tackle, because that wouldn’t be what Jesus would want. Being the proud football dad that I am I quickly explained that Jesus is ok with us playing football and that it was ok to throw and tackle people while playing football. I explained that football must be ok because they play football at BYU. He liked that and decided that football was good and would continue.

12th Anniversary

Laura asked that since it was our twelfth anniversary that I write about our dating and wedding. Here goes…How we first met really is a funny story. We were both attending BYU at the time. I was working in Salt Lake at the Valley Fair Mall selling HealthRiders. I am sure you remember those awesome machines that were going to revolutionize the health industry. Anyway, Laura was working at the State Prison in Draper as a Mental Health Tech. She was teaching sex education to prisoners that were convicted of sex offenses. I will have to discuss her job in another posting.So, each weekday we both made the drive from Provo to the salt lake valley. One day as I was just getting to the top of the point of the mountain I saw a big passenger van and a little white Honda accord on the side of the road. People were always getting into accidents there. So, being the nice guy that I am I decided that I would pull over and let them use my cell phone. Twelve years ago not many people had cell phones. So, I met the driver of the Honda, Laura, and gave her my phone. Then I went to check on the people in the big van. To my surprise it was a bunch of nuns. Laura had hit a van full of nuns driving to the Utah State Prison to teach a bunch of sex offenders about sex. I had to laugh. So, I started talking more with Laura and because I was so handsome and nice she gave me her number and we started dating. A brief 4 weeks later we got engaged. And the rest is history.Isn’t that a great story? It is all true except for the Nuns and the accident. I really met Laura through a friend that had served a mission with me that also lived in the same complex as her.=)

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Beginning

Well, I promised Laura that I would start a blog so I did.