Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Peepee Shy

Normally I don't do more than one post a day. But, today is an exception. After seeing the guy with the suspenders and belt, as described in the last post, I had another experience that I must share.

This is nothing to be ashamed about. All men have experienced it in some form at one time in their life or another. It is not anyone's fault. It just happens. Of course I am talking about peformance issues. Sometimes it is referred to as stage fright, but more commonly it is referred to as being PeePee shy. For you women out there, this is when a man is in a situation where he needs to pee, but because of his surroundings he is unable to pee.

Well, I had a peepee shy experience today. I went to pickup my sons from their piano lessons. I was a little early and needed to use the restroom. I have about an hour drive home and sometimes by the time I get home I am in dire need. So, politely I asked if it was ok and quietly excused myself to the other room. I got into position and looked up above the toilet. Below is what I saw.

I couldn't go. How could I? There was this sweet, but very sad, little girl looking right at me. She even seemed to have a look of disappointment. So, I immediately lifted the toilet seat in hopes that she wouldn't judge me anymore. It didn't help. She kept staring at me with those sad puppy dog eyes.

I tried for another minute. I even closed my eyes and tried to go to my happy place to relax. No good. Her piercing eyes found me, even there. So, I gave up. Luckily, their lesson ended soon and we were on our way home.

At home I quickly ran into the bathroom. I looked around and found myself alone and quickly found relief.

Belt or Suspenders

I hate to have this discussion, but I can keep quiet no longer. Before I get started, I need to explain that I am no fashionista. Sometimes my socks don’t match my pants. I have even been known to put on a pair of shorts after church and leave on my dark socks. Most importantly, I am a believer in comfort before fashion. However, there are a few fashion rules that cannot be broken.

Don’t wear a belt and suspenders. See belts were created to keep our pants up. They can be found in many forms today. They range from the beautifully designed belts to the favorite of my extended family, the rope. No matter what the belt looks like, it serves the purpose of keeping your britches up without having to hold them up with your hands.

Suspenders were designed for the same purpose. They keep your pants up. Many people prefer suspenders over belts. Larry King and Mork from Mork and Mindy are probably the two most notable figures that are proponents of the suspenders. However, you will never see them wearing both a belt and suspenders.

Wearing suspenders and a belt is just doubling up when there is no need. I understand that belts don’t work for everyone. Nor do suspenders. However, there is never a need for both. If neither works alone, then together they still won’t work and it just looks funny.

You would never see someone wearing two pairs of glasses and I have never seen someone going around wearing two hats. We use only what we need to do the job. This is true for all clothing and apparel. I was so proud as a father when my young son explained to me once, “ I don’t need underwear, I am wearing pants”. So true. But, he did need a rope to keep them up.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Hall Etiquette

I am starting to think that I work with a bunch of people that were raised by wolves. I expect to see Mogly from the Jungle Book walking down the hall any day. We already discussed bathroom etiquette and now I feel the need to discuss hallway etiquette. Today I was trying to quickly walk to the cafeteria to grab a quick lunch. I was going to get it and eat at my desk while I continued to work. I was walking fast because I needed to be quick and get back to fixing a problem. However, the pace cars were out. The hall is very wide. I think that 5 people can probably walk side by side through the hall. However, it is normally two people wide going each way. Not today. These two ladies were walking, at a leisurely pace, spread out as far as they could. The distance between them and between one of them and a wall was not enough to comfortably pass them. It made me think of how this happens on the freeways and the reputation that Utah drivers have. I walked behind them for awhile. I even coughed to let them know that I was there. No luck. These two were deep in discussion. I think one of their daughters is dating a loser and he is not treating her very good, at least that is what I overheard. Soon, someone started coming from the other direction. I thought this was my chance. However, they didn’t move over. The poor guy had to turn sideways to not bump into them. I wish I had a horn. After he passed I said enough and went past them on one side. I even bumped into one of them a little. I am sure they started talking about how rude my generation is. Anyway, I got my lunch and left the cafeteria. I turned the corner back into this same hall and there they were again. I think they may have done it on purpose because I passed them earlier. Well, this time no coughing and no waiting. I immediately passed them. I may have gotten some of my salad dressing on one of them. It was a total accident, sort of. Anyway, I decided that I must publish my rules of the hallway.

1. Don’t make eye contact until you are 3 paces or less away from the person coming the opposite direction. This helps to avoid any long uncomfortable stares.

2. Respond in kind. If you get a hello, respond with a hello. If you get a wave then return a wave. However, a head bob does not match a spoken word. Head bobs are only acceptable if you get a head bob.

3. Don’t block the hallway! The rules of the highway apply to the hallway. Maybe we should have a hallway patrol to write out tickets for hallway blocking and accidents.

4. The hallway is not an appropriate place to have a private/personal conversation. This includes face to face conversations and cell phone conversations. I am sorry that this lady’s daughter is dating a loser, but man I have enough of my own worries. I don’t need to add yours to my plate.

5. Always carry something (The George Constanza Rule). That way no one knows if you are working or slacking. Personally, I carry a lot of crap out to my car everynight. I leave it in my car overnight and bring it back in first thing the next morning. People think I am a totally dedicated employee.

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Christmas Memory

I am feeling very festive now as we are entering the Christmas season. As I was pondering upon past holidays I remembered one memorable experience I had as a young child.

On this one Christmas we were visting my grandparents in Arkansas. I remember laying by the tree with my Grandpa. We were talking about Christmas, why we give gifts, and what the tree represents. Then I asked my Grandpa why there was an angel on top of the tree. So, he gathered my brother, my sister, and me around him on the floor and told us the following story of why there is an angel on the top of every Christmas tree.

"It was Christmas Eve and Santa was feeling the Pre-Christmas pressure. Half of his elves had become sick and the trainee elves had not produce toys as fast. Mrs. Claus had just told Santa her Mother was coming for a long visit, which stressed Santa even more.
Santa went to barn to harness the reindeer and found three of them were about to give birth. The others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
He began to load the sleigh and one of the floorboards broke. His toy bag fell to the ground where all the toys scattered on the ice.
Frustrated, Santa went back to the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. Opening the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' Santa quickly not only told him where to stick it, but Santa himself stuck it where the sun don't shine.

And so began the tradition of a little angel stuck on the top of the Christmas tree."

Don't you just love all those wonderful Christmas memories?

Monday, December 8, 2008

It's Ladies/Guys Night

My wife and her friends recently had a white elephant Christmas party. They all got together at one of their houses for the party. Everyone brought a dessert or a side dish to share. They talked and had giggly fun time over dinner. Then they exchanged their white elephant gifts. Some examples of the gifts was a fly swatter, a calendar about how crappy life is, and a couple of very nice stockings. After the exchange they had some more giggly discussions. Then the party got really started. They all took a personality test, in an effort to understand their selves and each other better. All during the test they were giggling, laughing, and probably crying as they shared their experiences. My wife didn’t get home from this party until nearly 3am. I have to admit I was a little jealous hearing all the fun she had. However, I know that there is no way in hell that me and my friends would enjoy anything even close to this type of party.

So, I started thinking about what us men would do for our version of a white elephant Christmas party. Here is what I came up with.

The party would be held at no one’s house. It would have to be hosted in a restaurant/sports bar. None of us would be required to bring any food, just money to pay. It would all be on separate tickets and there would be no sharing of appetizers. “You get what you pay for and pay for what you get”, as my Grandpa used to always say.

There would have to be some game on the TV that we could all be watching. There would be no giggling. If our team was winning then there would be a lot of high fiving. Otherwise we would all be yelling at the TV.

After the game we would do one of two things. Either we would go see a guy movie, something with guns and explosions and car chases, or we would go shooting ourselves. No gift exchange because we all know that none of us would take the time to pick out a gift. So, our wives would end up picking out the gift and then it would be all girly and totally embarrass us to exchange.

The night would end without any personality tests and definitely without any sharing of personal feelings. There might be some more high fives, chest bumps, or the manly one arm hug with a quick back pat but that would be it. And we absolutely would be home way before 3am because we don’t want to get in trouble with the wife.

Speaking of the wife, I love you Laura and you are the best!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bathroom Etiquette

So, I have a few bathroom practices that might seem silly to some, but what I saw this week in the bathroom made me want to never go to the bathroom again, in public. There I was minding my own business, while doing my business in the bathroom stall. When I was finished I flushed and walked out of the stall to wash my hands of course. Not washing your hands is just gross. Anyway, as I was walking out of the stall I passed another fellow that was going into the stall next to me. Following my standard bathroom etiquette, I kept my eyes to floor and being the friendly person that I am, I said hello. He mumbled something up at me. So, I had to look up. That was when I noticed that he couldn't talk because he had a toothbrush in his mouth. He was brushing his teeth and going into the stall to do his business.

I wanted to scream, but then I remembered that screaming in the bathroom is against my rules. See, I have a firm set of rules for when one is in the bathroom.

The first rule is that you don't make eye contact. As a matter of fact you keep your eyes to the floor while you are in the bathroom.

The next rule requires you to keep your feet as close together as possible while in the stall doing your business. I call this rule the "Larry Craig" rule. You don't want anyone getting the wrong idea with the placement of your feet. So, keep them as close together as possible. If one of the stalls next to you is empty then angle your body so your feet will point that way. This will help to avoid any uncomfortable advances.

The third rule is the wiping rule. You don't wipe with anyone in the stall next to you. You patiently wait until there is no one next to you, then you can wipe. I don't want to hear the wiping and no one wants to hear me either.

The fourth rule is the quite rule. Even though you are in a restroom, you don't need to sound like a wild animal. No grunting or moaning. Most important, wait until the bathroom is clear before making any other body noises.

After my tooth brushing incident this week, I added the don't mix business with pleasure rule of not brushing your teeth and pooing at the same time. See brushing your teeth is all business and the other is all pleasure.

The fifth rule is the most important. Always wash your hands. However, this rule does not apply if one of the follow situations occur:

a. You are at a football game
b. You are at a professional wrestling match
c. Or, nobody is watching