Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Facebook Ulcer

I am relatively new to Facebook. My wife encouraged me to join to help me reconnect with all those people that I have lost track off throughout my life. I was afraid that this might blow my cover in the Witness Protection program. But after she explained that I can “reject” anyone that I am trying to avoid, I agreed to start Facebooking. So, I created a profile. I did a few searches and added some friends. It was mostly people that were already friends of my wife. I then did some more searches and found some old mission friends. I sent them friend requests and felt like I was somewhat cool again because I was now on Facebook.

My friends accepted my request and I felt really cool. Then I started getting messages from all these people about not updating my status. So, I went to my wife and discovered that you are supposed to put your mood on Facebook throughout the day. Sometimes happy, sad, even hungry will work. OK. So, now I have added statusing my feelings on Facebook to my schedule.

Then someone poked me. At first I got a little upset. I looked around for a way to get them back. I couldn't find how to poke them. So, I started looking for ways to kick or hit them. Still nothing. Then I went to my wife again. Apparently, poking is a good thing. Imagine my surprise.

It has been a couple of months now and I feel pretty confident now in my Facebooking. However, I am totally getting stressed out now. People have started contacting me asking me if I was in their physics class in high school. I don’t even remember high school, let alone some random person in one of my classes. But, at the same time, I don’t want to offend. Maybe they were in my class. So, now I am getting a Facebook ulcer.

Then the worst thing possible happened. An old girlfriend requested to be my friend. I didn’t particularly want to be friends with her, but then again I didn’t want to be rude and get a bad rating. I don’t even know if Facebook has ratings. They do it on ebay. Anyway, I dis cussed this with my wife and apparently, there are pre-established Facebook rules. You can be friends with a girl as long as you have never kissed her. So, I quickly said no thanks to the ex-girlfriend.

However, I still have my ulcer. See, I am not sure if I knew a guy named Steve in my high school physics class. And I can’t remember if I kissed him. As a matter of fact, I am not even sure that I took physics in high school. This is turning out to be way too much stress.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm Proud To Be An American...

I know that independence day is not for a few months. However, I am feeling a bit more patriotic than usual. It must be the upcoming inauguration and all the media coverage. Like the story about how they only reserved 5000 port-o-potties and someone is threatening to sue because they have bladder control issues. Mind you, I am not making fun of bladder control issues. My family is notorious for losing control while laughing. I also hold the record for using more bathrooms than anyone else in the states of West Virginia and Virginia because I couldn’t hold it while tracting on my mission.

Anyway, back to the patriotic stuff. I was thinking of why I am proud to be an American and came up with a few items that I would like to share.

1. I am proud that we have the biggest, baddest military in the world. Being the son of a United States Marine, I get great pride in knowing that we could wipe any country off the planet. Not that we would, because we are a civilized nation and we don’t roll like that. But, it is kind of cool knowing that we could.
2. I am proud of the fact that our professional baseball teams are so awesome that we can have the “World Series” and only include American teams. I know we have the Toronto Blue Jays. But come on, isn’t Canada just our northern little brother.
3. I am proud to have been born in the country that started Taco Bell. Not only has this restaurant proven to be a successful means of maintaining Mexican heritage, but it has given us such wonderful inventions like, the Mexi Melt, Nachos Bell Grande, and the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch. May God bless Taco Bell and may her doors always remain open, at least until 2am at most locations.
4. Finally, I am proud to live in a country that has an entire industry related to toilet paper. I mean we have Cottonelle (with those cute little puppies), Quilted Northern (made by little ladies quilting all day), cheap single-ply (which my company believes in), two-ply, three-ply, and my absolute favorite, Charmin “Aloe and E Lotion Free” toilet paper.

Before you get totally disgusted in me, stop and think about this. We live in a country with so much freedom, that it even extends to our freedom to choose our means of personal hygiene. I hope we will all consider these things as we swear in a new president next week and remember to always vote for those candidates that will protect our freedoms, even the freedom to pick our toilet paper.

God Bless America and those geniuses at Charmin!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Happy Holidays

So, the holidays are over. It was a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanza/New Year. I enjoyed some time off with the family and really dreaded going back to work today. I was going over my 150+ emails and looking at my calendar for the week when I started thinking about when the next holiday with a day off is. I looked and found no more in January. None in February. Nope again in March. Nada in April. Finally, at the very end of May is Memorial Day.

What??? That is nearly five months away. I didn’t do that well in school, but I think that there are only twelve months in a year. How can I have a five month dry spell with no holidays? That is almost half a year! Who was the wacko that setup these holidays?

So, I have decided to campaign to make a few changes, and add a few holidays. First, Valentine’s Day should be a day off. Us men always get in trouble for not doing “enough” on this day. Well duh. We are working and aren’t able to focus our attention appropriately to express how much we truly love our wives. If we had a day off, then wow. Can you just imagine the wonderful gifts and experiences we would plan for our wives. No more dog house, just lots of lovin! (Guys you can thank me later for this)

Second, we need a holiday in March. I know that we have St. Patrick’s Day, but that has got to go. Wear green get a kiss, don’t get a pinch. That only sounds like a good holiday if you are drunk. I don’t drink, so it has to go. In it’s place, Uranus Day on March 13th. A day dedicated to the discovery of the planet Uranus. It would be a day off from work so we could all stay up late and look at the universe through our telescopes. This holiday would help children become more interested in space and science, maybe we could even catch back up with the Japanese. But most importantly, we could all say “Happy Uranus”! And that just makes me giggle.

Finally, we need a good holiday in April. The first day of April is April Fool’s Day and that can stay, but we need a good stay home from work holiday. I suggest, April 22nd – Earth Day. I personally have no real tree hugging type feelings in me, but I would if I didn’t have to go to work on that day. Heck, I would even promise to not litter on that day if it meant no work. No driving to work would also mean gas saved. That is good for Mother Earth, right?

So, now that you know, you are encouraged to email your Senator and ask for him/her to bring up legislation to bail out our messed up calendar. It’s not like they have anything else to work on.