Sunday, October 26, 2008

See ya suckers!!!!!!!

I am sorry to say that this will be my last blog posting. In the future all postings will be done by a professional writer that I will be hiring to record the marvelous events of my wonderful life.

See my boat has come in! I have struck it rich! At some point in my life I met a gentleman by the name of Engr. Jürge Krügger. Being my normal outgoing self I really made an impression on him. See the email below that I just received today.

Address: 33 Bedford Row
London WC1R 4JH,

Phone: +44 704 572 2161
Fax: +44 709 286 8479
Partner Attorney at Law
Allen & Overy LLP, UK

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Jürge
Krügger. I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned
undelivered.. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Jürge Krügger made you a
beneficiary to his WILL.

He left the sum of Thirty Million, One Hundred Thousand Dollars
(USD$30,100.000.00) to you in the Codicil and last testament to his WILL.
This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being
a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or
simply you were nominated to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who
wished you good. Engr. Jürge Krügger until his death was a member of the
Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers.
According to him this money is to support your humanitarian activities and to
help the poor and the needy in our society.

Please if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as
possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no distant
time. I await your prompt response.

Yours in Service,
Barr Dempsey Robert William.
Secetary Allen & Overy LLP, UK
Phone: +44 704 572 2161

So, the next time you see or hear from me will be on the next episode of MTV Cribs. Laura and I will be showing off or new house, on the east side of course because we finally got a piece of the pie. However, you may not recognize me on TV. I plan on having a number of surgeries to enhance myself. Nothing major of course, but I will be looking something like this.

I have just one request before I leave you all...don't be jealous, please.

Now, I have to reply to this e-mail sent to me by Robert Dempsey. I wonder why his email address is I would have thought it would have been more like his company name. Anyway, I am off to start my new life as a 30 millionaire!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Football is the Devil

Am I a bad parent? Of course from my previous postings on the wonders of Mac and Cheese, you know I am not. But, just in the past couple of days I have decided that this Saturday at my son’s football game I will be cheering for the other team.

Before you start giving me a glare let me explain. At first I was so excited that my oldest was playing tackle football. See, I was always a skinny little boy. I “played” football one year as a child and my greatest achievement was getting a penalty called against the other team when one of their players hit me in the back and knocked the wind out of me. So, when my 90 lbs eight year old wanted to play I started seeing visions of his greatness. I could see him scoring all of the touchdowns, sacking the quarter back (this is a good thing for anyone that doesn’t follow football), and catching every winning pass at every game. Finally, my dreams of football stardom would be fulfilled. I was totally living through my son. Again, before you start glaring at me all you moms need to look at your daughters dressed in their tutus going to ballet practice and tell me that you aren’t living through them too.

So, we went to the football supply shed and sporting good store and got him all his gear. Everyone was saying how impressed they were at how big he was at only eight years old. I tried to be humble and say things like, “Yes he is big for his age”. What I wanted to say was, “Darn right this boy is huge and I sure hope he doesn’t crush your puny little child.”

Next, practices started. Quickly my dream started fading. Not because of my son’s performance, for his age I am very proud of his football skills. My dreams faded because it took so much stupid time. His practices were 5 days a week for two to two and a half hours. Then games started. We cut down to practice three times a week, but then we spent four hours every Saturday trying to watch him play while trying to keep the rest of the clan from running on the field and stealing the ball. Which any of them could do easily because they all have awesome football skills, even my 2 yr old daughter can kick some butt in football.

Anyway, between three practices a week a one game a week I am getting a little burned out on football. If my sons team wins this Saturday then they get to go the playoffs. My son was so excited. He told me, "if we win then we get to go to the playoffs and practice under the lights". What? Lights? So, instead of practice having to end when it gets dark they can practice until midnight if the coach wants. I don't think so.

So, this Saturday I will be cheering for the other team, quietly.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Me for President

Oh my heck! I was so tired of this Presidential election stuff. I felt like I was a fairly intelligent person. I graduated from High School and I am pretty good at Sudoku, but just the easy ones. However, I couldn’t keep up with all this fancy Harvard type math. For example…

“In a CNN poll of polls released Wednesday evening, Obama is favored to win by 50 percent; McCain by 43 percent and 8 percent of voters are undecided.”

At first glance I thought wow Obama has got this all locked up. But, then I read that Joe Lieberman is now saying that McCain is going to win, after he saw this poll. I scratched my head for awhile and realized that I needed to pee. So, I went to the bathroom. As I was walking into the bathroom someone was coming out and I got wacked in the head by the door. Suddenly, like the dews from heaven it all made sense. I was looking at it all wrong. See, I thought that 50 + 43 + 8 = 101. Of course, it is impossible to have a survey with three unique answers equals more than 100%. I felt so stupid. Since, 50% + 43% + 8% equals 100% not 101% then sure McCain is winning. Our political leaders and media are so smart.

After this incident, I decided that I needed to do more research, because it all added up now. I found the following…

“Obama’s daily spending on campaign ads is four times more than McCain’s – $4.5 million to $1.5 million – according to an analysis by TNSMI-Campaign Media Analysis Group, CNN’s consultant on political advertising.”

I can only hope that my children are learning the correct math, which I did not learn as a child. See, I thought that $1.5 x 3 was $4.5. But, clearly it is not. $1.5 x 4 = $4.5. Wow, I was so stupid.

Now that I have been enlightened to the real math and how the world really works, I have decided that it is my civic duty to run for political office. So, with great pride and humility (yes you can have pride and humility at the same time, it is a new math thing too), I take this time to announce that I will be running for President of the United States. I know that it is late in the political season, but I firmly believe that if I can help everyone understand the new math that we will all be free and our country will be a better place.

To achieve this I will not be holding rallies or doing silly commercials, those are such rookie things to do. Rather, I will be holding an open house at my home. Come on over and I promise that I personally will wack each and everyone of my constituents with my bathroom door. Then we can sit down and discuss things like how I promise to spend more money and cut taxes at the same time, and it will make perfect sense.

Paid For by the Elect Brandon to the President Fund

“I am Brandon and I approve this message”

Click on the link below for my first campaign ad...

Brandon for President

Friday, October 10, 2008

Nectar of the gods (or an ode to Mac and Cheese)

Confession time. I love Mac and cheese.

I have my entire life. As a teenager, I would come home from school and make myself a batch. Then I would go up to my room and eat it while I watched Looney Toons. Yes, that is another confession; I love to watch cartoons. Anyway, since I was a teenager I often left the dirty bowl in my room until my Mom would smell it and come get it. I would then get a lecture and promise never to do it again. This became such a ritual that a couple of days before I left on my mission, I purposely left a bowl in my closet with a note to my Mom telling her how much I loved and appreciated her.

Well, now I am a lot older and a little more mature. So, today as I was eating hotdogs and Mac and cheese with my children while watching Dragon tales I started wondering if I was killing myself with this food. So, I did a little research and found out that I was wrong. This food is good for you.

Did you know that a single serving of Mac and Cheese has 15% of your daily requirement of Vitamin A? I usually eat a box myself, which is 3 servings. So, I am getting 45% of my daily requirement of Vitamin A. That rocks!

As I continued to read the Nutrition facts on the box I continued to realize why my body craves this food. A single serving contains 15% of your daily calcium requirement and 10% of your iron requirement. I am getting 45% of my calcium and 30% of my iron requirement. Anyone that knows me will immediately understand why I am so muscular. It is all that Iron!

At this point of reading the side of the box, I was feeling like a really good dad providing all my children with these vitamins. Then I started reading the ingredients. I couldn't contain my excitement. It contains wheat flour. That has to be good for your body. It also contains vitamins B2, B1, and sodium triplyphosphate.

Next, I moved my research to the Internet. Because, it contains all truth. I found some interesting things. Did you know that many scholars actually believe that the tree that Adam and Eve weren't supposed to eat from was a Mac & Cheese tree? It makes sense. They couldn't resist.

I also found that 85% of inmates on death row choose Mac & Cheese as part of their last meal. It would be my choice too. I would probably want the expensive Velveeta kind since for such a special occasion.

According to, Mac & Cheese was invented by Thomas Jefferson. So, not only is it healthy and tasty, it is downright patriotic to eat it. I think we will start saying the pledge of allegiance each time we eat it.

One last note about Mac & Cheese. While Martha Stewart was writing her Original Cookbook she struggled with putting only the most important and best recipes in the book. Guess what? She included a recipe for Mac & Cheese. See the link below.

For that alone, I believe that Pres Bush should pardon her and let the poor convicted felon vote again. God Bless You Martha.

In conclusion, I will end my musings with a simple Shakespearean sonnet.

I love my mac and cheese
I so want to kiss the box
It makes me say please
I would eat it in dirty socks

I love the cheese in the bowl
I would eat it every day
It is a food that fills my soul
Mac and cheese what more can I say

I will eat it all my life
Mac and cheese is so much fun
I love it like my wife
It is even better then a honey bun

Mac and cheese it is so true
I will forever love you

Friday, October 3, 2008

Open Letter to Nick Jr.

Dear Sir or Madam

I have pondered long and hard about writing this letter, but after today I decided that I had to write. My children and I enjoy much of your programming. One favorite is your show Max and Ruby.

We always enjoy Max's silly behavior and how in the end his actions prove to be helpful and funny. And what can I say about Ruby. What a well behaved young one. She is always so polite and patient with Max. In one of today's episodes we enjoyed watching her earn her bunny hospitality badge. It was well deserved because she is a great host.

We also enjoy the beautiful way their home is decorated. We have even used the same sombrero wallpaper in our kitchen, because we saw it on Max and Ruby and immediately fell in love.

However, I can't help but notice that Max and Ruby's parents are much lacking in parenting skills. As a matter of fact, I would say that because of their many long absences they have neglected their children. In my mind Max and Ruby now epitomize the latchkey children of my youth. I have only seen their parents on one episode; and I am, or was, a faithful watcher. I have noticed that their grandma does jump in and watch them when she can. However, because of her age she is not able to keep up with them. Even today Max and Ruby were playing in the attic of her house while she was downstairs doing who knows what. So unsafe!

So, it is with a sad heart that I must tell you that I am compelled to report their parents,and you for your blatant exploitation of these poor neglected children, to the department of child and family social services.

And don't even try to respond with "but they are just bunnies". According to the PETA website, "Bunnies have feelings and needs just like people".