Sunday, December 7, 2008

Bathroom Etiquette

So, I have a few bathroom practices that might seem silly to some, but what I saw this week in the bathroom made me want to never go to the bathroom again, in public. There I was minding my own business, while doing my business in the bathroom stall. When I was finished I flushed and walked out of the stall to wash my hands of course. Not washing your hands is just gross. Anyway, as I was walking out of the stall I passed another fellow that was going into the stall next to me. Following my standard bathroom etiquette, I kept my eyes to floor and being the friendly person that I am, I said hello. He mumbled something up at me. So, I had to look up. That was when I noticed that he couldn't talk because he had a toothbrush in his mouth. He was brushing his teeth and going into the stall to do his business.

I wanted to scream, but then I remembered that screaming in the bathroom is against my rules. See, I have a firm set of rules for when one is in the bathroom.

The first rule is that you don't make eye contact. As a matter of fact you keep your eyes to the floor while you are in the bathroom.

The next rule requires you to keep your feet as close together as possible while in the stall doing your business. I call this rule the "Larry Craig" rule. You don't want anyone getting the wrong idea with the placement of your feet. So, keep them as close together as possible. If one of the stalls next to you is empty then angle your body so your feet will point that way. This will help to avoid any uncomfortable advances.

The third rule is the wiping rule. You don't wipe with anyone in the stall next to you. You patiently wait until there is no one next to you, then you can wipe. I don't want to hear the wiping and no one wants to hear me either.

The fourth rule is the quite rule. Even though you are in a restroom, you don't need to sound like a wild animal. No grunting or moaning. Most important, wait until the bathroom is clear before making any other body noises.

After my tooth brushing incident this week, I added the don't mix business with pleasure rule of not brushing your teeth and pooing at the same time. See brushing your teeth is all business and the other is all pleasure.

The fifth rule is the most important. Always wash your hands. However, this rule does not apply if one of the follow situations occur:

a. You are at a football game
b. You are at a professional wrestling match
c. Or, nobody is watching


Laura said...

You kill me. I am scared of where you work. All those computer geeks need a bathroom ettiquette class. EEK.

Laura said...

When you have some spare time, feel free to teach our boys a little bathroom ettiquette. I am so sick of cleaning up little messes on the toilet before using it. I guess that's what happens when there are only 2 girls:5 boys in the family.

Bonnie said...

Brandon you are killing me..honestly this is hilarious! I count on you and Laura for my mental health! Thanks for writing this! I loved the Larry Craig part. To this day I laugh when I think of that story! I say story because we know it wasn't really true, right? Yeahrite!

This post has reaffirmed for me once again my love of being 100% female! I can put my feet anywhere I want to and no one cares!

in time out said...

SOOOOO funny... thanks for writing...sorry i missed your site for some many days. i wont do that again...

Boy Mom said...

Male bathroom etiquette? Ha! Sorry I live in a house with all males, bathroom and etiquette are not in the same sentence in most male vocabularies so thanks for getting the message out.