Monday, November 3, 2008

Happy Birthday Maddie!

So, my little girl is turning three this week. She is number four of five and the other four are all boys. Big boys, as you could tell from my previous football postings. I love all my children very much. However, it is very different with my daughter. See, I believe that families are forever. When two people, specifically a man and a woman ( I hate having to be so specific, but I don’t want any confusion on my beliefs), get married by someone with the proper authority they become an eternal family. The wife being “sealed” to the husband. The wife now becomes a member of her husbands family and continues down the family chain. Being a man this sounds great. My first three children were all boys. Each time we found out we were having a boy I felt my family tree growing wider and I liked it. Then came Maddie. She is the sweetest, most beautiful, most mothering, and smartest little girl in the world. Don’t believe me? Check out

Anyway, even before she was born I realized that one day she would get married and would technically be a part of someone else’s family. This did and still does not sit well with me. Whenever I think about her getting married I get sad. When I think of my boys getting married, I think oh yeah, way to go. I know that my boys will be fine. They will find a wonderful young lady, get married and live happily ever after. However, I have fear for my Maddie. What if she marries some jerk? See, it has been my experience that all of my friends found nice young ladies and got married. None of their wives changed and turned out to be total freaks. Some are freaks, but they were freaks before and we all warned our friend before the marriage. Apparently, some people like freaks, including my wife. However, I have a few coworkers and extended family members, that are female, that married a nice young man that turned out to be a freak. He wasn’t a freak before, but he sure is now. I feel bad for these ladies. They were tricked. Some are divorcing and others are trying to live with it. However, I don’t think I can handle that if it happens to my daughter.

So, I have implemented strict dating rules for my daughter. On the first date the young man must come to my house at least twenty minutes early to meet me and my sons. Here is how it will play out. I will be sitting on the couch and my oldest son will answer the door. He will instruct the young man to sit down next to me on the couch. Then he will sit on the couch on the other side of this boy. I will then introduce myself and all four of my sons from oldest to youngest. The other three boys will be sitting on the loveseat and other chairs in the same room. I almost forgot, we will all be cleaning guns at this time. Before you laugh, I am not joking. I will then inform him that my father was a Marine and that I would have been a Marine as well, except they rejected me for my “anger issues”. Also, every time I address him I will start the sentence with “Boy”. If he doesn’t answer me with “Sir” every time then I will explain to him that we show respect in this house and that he better start referring to me as “Sir”. I will then ask him about his self, including religion, car, grades, political preferences, and how many other girls he has dated prior. After this Maddie can come down. But, prior to their leaving I will lean in close to him and whisper in his ear, “You better not even think about touching my daughter because I have no problem with going back to prison”. Remember all this is on the first date. At first I started wondering what I would do on the second date. Then I realized that if I do it right on the first date, I won’t need to worry about a second date.

Anyway, happy birthday Maddie!


Brandon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

I am just so glad I tricked you!!! And I love the line about not minding going back to prison.

Sal Gal said...

You are hilarious, even though I know you're not kidding!

And you totally made me sad thinking of my 3 girls going with some other family! I'm never giving them up!!!!

And, they're NEVER dating!!!!!

Dan Bartholomew said...

SIR! (or is it BOY?) You've got it all WRONG! The couple becomes part of HER family! You have been adopted! That is final!